I got back my chem and econs paper today
It was horrible. I felt so so soo bad for the whole day.
Can't tell? Well, I didn't what to show it.
Econs was given back to me first thing in the morning. Way to go Mr Ng, what a great way to ruin my first day after prelims. Disappointing but it wasn't as if i expected much. Okay, I did. 4/25 for essay? Give me a break! I wrote pages for that and 4 marks for everything is just too unfair D: People said that it was a tough question. I smiled and nodded and cursed inside.
General Paper wasn't anything much. He went through the essays outlines. I had some points here and there but I wonder if i can't pass. I did miss out the complacency section after all. Ah, whatever, we'll know soon enough.
Then came chem.
It was bad.
Very bad.
As the marks got read out, I've always hated this process, I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.
I screwed it up. Real bad. After calculating the overall score, the look she gave me, the disbelief I had inside me were too much to take. I nearly cried but I held it back. Didn't want to make a scene, didn't want to attract any attention. I lost count of the number of times I told myself to relax, to calm down as I dug my nails hard into my palm. Yes, the urge to just break down was that strong. Clar thought that I was crying when I looked down for quite a while, well let's just say I had good self-control. Note the tense.
People should stop asking me what happened. I don't know. I really don't. I just lost the motivation to study. I didn't want to study for prelims but I didn't expect myself to screw it up so much. From a C back to a U. I'm really afraid for Alevels. It is indeed time to wake up.
The journey back home wasn't that horrible. Half of it was talking and laughing with Clar, the other half was just listening to my music and drifting off to sleep. I walked home, as usual and met my mum on the way back.
Fast forward. I told her that I got my papers back when we were at home. She was disappointed but she said she expected it somehow. I was too complacent, she said. I guess so, maybe that's how I was so relaxed through the whole period. She didn't scold me, surprisingly. She asked me how I felt, I couldn't answer. She asked me if I was disappointed. Yea of course. My sis asked if I was going to cry, I said no, I'm not her. (But I knew that I was lying) Then after lunch, she said, go take a shower and clear your mind. Reflect and decide what you are going to do from now on. It's not too late yet(somehow, I guess).
That was it. I went to the toilet and broke down.
Tears just show weakness. That's how I always feel but it always makes me feel better. The many times I wanted to do something foolish were erased after crying. Tears saved me.
I slept and somehow I remembered my mum covering me with a blanket and whispering into my ear,
Do recharge and get back on your feet yea.
And I remembered mumbling too.
Yes I will. Thanks mum.
Countdown: 42 more days
Do you believe in miracle?
To say the truth, I do. Then again, there are times when I lost all hope and somehow the thought that miracle does occur will fade away.
I woke up at 5plus this morning and my mum was awake for her morning prayers. So we talked right after and she shared with me this story which I have grown up with. The story of how I might not even exist in the first place. I've decided to post it up, to share with the world and to remind myself how lucky I am. Here it goes:
When my mum was pregnant, I wasn't exactly a very stable baby. In fact, I was so unstable that my mum had to have injections every single time she pay a visit the doctor. She admitted that she has always hated injections so to have a total of more than 10 injections for the whole of 9months was a nightmare for her. Then came one day, where she was in the toilet, well you know.. doing her normal business and all of a sudden, she lost a lot of blood in the toilet bowl. That was when she told herself that this time, I may not be around anymore. Then she prayed and prayed, hopefully that somehow, a miracle will happen and she will get to keep the baby. The next day, she went for a checkup(yea, I know, she should have gone for it immediately) and she was reprimanded by the doctor for waiting till the next day. Technically it was an emergency and she should have been admitted to the hospital as soon as possible. According to her, this was what the doctor said, "Why did you wait till today? Did you not know that your baby would have been gone? To be able to keep it, it was a miracle."
Yea, being almost 18, it is really a miracle. I can't describe the feeling I have inside every time I thought about how I might not have been able to be here, meeting whoever I've met, doing whatever I have done. Like what my mum had said, it was really a miracle and i'm one lucky girl.
Well, we talked for an hour or so and somehow digressed till she was tired and went to sleep. I stayed awake though, reflecting and wanted as the light that shines through my window got brighter.
It was immature of me to be ungrateful for what I have and to only see how life isn't fair to me. If life was really unfair, I wouldn't even have it. So for now, just for now, before any immaturity returns, I shall reflect and be thankful of what I have. It has been a long time since I've reflected, I must have lost my way in life somehow.
And for allowing me to be alive, God, I thank you. Forever and always.
Insanity
keeps me alive. It sounds crazy, I know. Imagine life without the excitement,
the stress, the disappointment etcetc, it would be so boring, no? However, with
these emotions mixed inside, I ended up with insanity. People can become high,
depressed, over-stressed, and exhausted and so on. What happens when they feel
this way? Well, I bet their minds are no longer in control and hey, how can
they remain sane? Right? Since emotions keep me alive, there’s no doubt that
insanity sets in now and then. So yea, GO INSANITY :D
(Aplomb: Confidence; coolness)
That's something I definitely not have right now
(disimular: To hide; To conceal; To pretend)
Whatever I am feeling inside
They say that keeping it in is not healthy
Letting it out doesn't seem to work either
I wonder how long my sanity will last.
Ha ha.
My tuition teacher shared with us today on what she thinks about life. She wondered why can't people start off as an old folgie and as we work, we become younger and fitter then we'll end as a baby to an embryo before disappearing into thin air. Quite environmental friendly too.
It's a very interesting idea I must say. Seeing how unfair it is for us to work and yet not being able to enjoy life to the fullest, god should have made us the way my teacher suggested.
Then again, life's never fair.
