I got back my chem and econs paper today
It was horrible. I felt so so soo bad for the whole day.
Can't tell? Well, I didn't what to show it.

Econs was given back to me first thing in the morning. Way to go Mr Ng, what a great way to ruin my first day after prelims. Disappointing but it wasn't as if i expected much. Okay, I did. 4/25 for essay? Give me a break! I wrote pages for that and 4 marks for everything is just too unfair D: People said that it was a tough question. I smiled and nodded and cursed inside.

General Paper wasn't anything much. He went through the essays outlines. I had some points here and there but I wonder if i can't pass. I did miss out the complacency section after all. Ah, whatever, we'll know soon enough.

Then came chem.

It was bad.
Very bad.
As the marks got read out, I've always hated this process, I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.
I screwed it up. Real bad. After calculating the overall score, the look she gave me, the disbelief I had inside me were too much to take. I nearly cried but I held it back. Didn't want to make a scene, didn't want to attract any attention. I lost count of the number of times I told myself to relax, to calm down as I dug my nails hard into my palm. Yes, the urge to just break down was that strong. Clar thought that I was crying when I looked down for quite a while, well let's just say I had good self-control. Note the tense.

People should stop asking me what happened. I don't know. I really don't. I just lost the motivation to study. I didn't want to study for prelims but I didn't expect myself to screw it up so much. From a C back to a U. I'm really afraid for Alevels. It is indeed time to wake up.

The journey back home wasn't that horrible. Half of it was talking and laughing with Clar, the other half was just listening to my music and drifting off to sleep. I walked home, as usual and met my mum on the way back.

Fast forward. I told her that I got my papers back when we were at home. She was disappointed but she said she expected it somehow. I was too complacent, she said. I guess so, maybe that's how I was so relaxed through the whole period. She didn't scold me, surprisingly. She asked me how I felt, I couldn't answer. She asked me if I was disappointed. Yea of course. My sis asked if I was going to cry, I said no, I'm not her. (But I knew that I was lying) Then after lunch, she said, go take a shower and clear your mind. Reflect and decide what you are going to do from now on. It's not too late yet(somehow, I guess).

 That was it. I went to the toilet and broke down.

Tears just show weakness. That's how I always feel but it always makes me feel better. The many times I wanted to do something foolish were erased after crying. Tears saved me.

I slept and somehow I remembered my mum covering me with a blanket and whispering into my ear,
Do recharge and get back on your feet yea.

And I remembered mumbling too.

Yes I will. Thanks mum.

Countdown: 42 more days